Phew—when you are empathic and feel everyone else’s emotions through your own skin it can be rough. Add the holidays—which despite bringing much joy to many—also brings much stress to many. Now imagine having EVERYONE’S stress pumping through your own body. Hello, no fun/awkward, holiday parties. In this episode I’m going to talk about what I call two VITAL rules for empaths (and probably non-empaths alike). Knowing them will make those festive events (and beyond) so much happier in your skin!
Show Notes
Empath Core Tools On-Demand Program: www.AimeeCartier.com/ect.
More Empath Resources: www.AimeeCartier.com/iamanempath
Articles (and other podcast interviews) I’ve written related to empathic ability: http://www.aimeecartier.com/empath-resources.html
Another story about my time in Senegal.
For more about Aimée, her work, readings, speaking, or classes visit www.AimeeCartier.com.
Phew—when you are empathic and feel everyone else’s emotions through your own skin it can be rough. Add the holidays—which despite bringing much joy to many—also brings much stress to many. Now imagine having EVERYONE’S stress pumping through your own body. Hello, no fun/awkward, holiday parties. In this episode I’m going to talk about what I call two VITAL rules for empaths (and probably non-empaths alike). Knowing them will make those festive events (and beyond) so much happier in your skin!
Show Notes
Empath Core Tools On-Demand Program: www.AimeeCartier.com/ect.
More Empath Resources: www.AimeeCartier.com/iamanempath
Articles (and other podcast interviews) I’ve written related to empathic ability: http://www.aimeecartier.com/empath-resources.html
Another story about my time in Senegal.
For more about Aimée, her work, readings, speaking, or classes visit www.AimeeCartier.com.
Phew—when you are empathic and feel everyone else’s emotions through your own skin it can be rough. Add the holidays—which despite bringing much joy to many—also brings much stress to many. Now imagine having EVERYONE’S stress pumping through your own body. Hello, no fun/awkward, holiday parties. In this episode I’m going to talk about what I call two VITAL rules for empaths (and probably non-empaths alike). Knowing them will make those festive events (and beyond) so much happier in your skin!
MUSIC **Ayla Nereo, "All of this" song clip**
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Do you crave clarity and insight? Do you sense that your intuition is trying to tell you important things, but you have a hard time trusting it? Do you want access to your own internal wisdom, and to understand how it operates so that you can guide your life in ways that are meaningful and satisfying?
Well then, welcome, I’m glad you are here.
I’m your host, Aimée Cartier. I’ve been a professional psychic, since around 2007. I’m the author of the book, “Getting Answers: Using Your Intuition to Discover Your Best Life.” I’ve been teaching others to understand and use their own intuitive and empathic abilities for more than a decade.
Join me each week for true stories and tools that will inspire you to take seriously, your own inner knowing—that internal sense that you have uniquely tailored to YOU and designed to not only set you on the roads that are best for you but also help you avoid the ones that are treacherous.
It’s time for you to OWN YOUR INTUITION.
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This is Aimée Cartier, psychic, author, intuition guide, and the host of the Own Your Intuition show.
Hi everyone! Each week I get a little report of how many of you are downloading my podcast—and that doesn’t even count the number who are listening to it on the Voice of Vashon radio. It makes me so happy! I feel you—all over the world tuning into what I am putting out here. So I’m sending all of you a little ethereal hug/love from me. Thank you for tuning in! AND if you love what you hear could you give me a 5 star rating (if that is how you feel of course!) wherever you get your podcasts. It helps the Own Your Intuition podcast get discovered by more people! And of course, tell your friends!
As you know, I relish your comments. A special shout out this week to Molly who wrote me to say,
“I have listened to almost every one of your podcasts. I adore them. I marinate in your voice and wisdom on my drives to and from work, which gives me a good place to start from each day. A soul nourishing half hour just for me. And reminders about my empath nature and the power of my intuition. I shared it with my sister and she also loves it. She bought the inner GPS book and is all fired up. You are making a difference and helping people. And I am so excited for you to find a wider audience. Thank you for your work and all that you embody and do. 💖✨🌸”
Thank you Molly for taking the time to share that with me. It means the world.
Okay, so let’s get started. Today we are continuing our discussion on empathic nature. Specifically diving into what I call 2 vital rules for empaths—in the hopes that this will help you empaths, and maybe even you non-empathic people navigate your holidays with ease.
When I was in the Peace Corps in Senegal like most volunteers I lived in a village. In my village I had a hut with a thatched roof. In that hut I had a bed. In the backyard of my hut I had a hole in the ground for going to the bathroom. If you were outside, excepting that concrete portion that held my hole for a toilet—the ground was sand or dirt. There was no pavement around. Mine may have been the only concrete slab in the village, I can’t remember! I lived within a Senegaleze family compound—more precisely a Pullar Futa family (which is an ethnic group in Senegal, who originate in Guinea.) My hut had no electricity, no running water. We were lucky because our well was within the family compound (an area fenced off by a grass fence) so we didn’t have to walk to it. Within the compound we had a tree (another lucky thing- for shade). Underneath the tree we had a couch. Just kidding—we had no couch! We had a platform about waist high that was made out of about 6-8 medium sized tree trunks. The tree trunks weren’t flush with each other so there were holes in between each of the trees to my memory. It was maybe six feet by four feet. That—was our living room. The place we hung out during the day and night—the place we would crouch on to eat – all out of one big bowl with our hands, as is the Senegaleze style. I was given a Senegaleze name by my family. I was called, Isatou Diallo. I answered to that name and I spoke in a language called Pulaar Futa—a singsongy beautifully melodic language whose greetings—even just for “hello” were a series of rhythmic call and response phrases. That, was my life. I did not see or talk with American’s very regularly—certainly not in my day to day comings and goings. I was there for 2 years and 3 months. I’m telling you all of this for context. So you can get a picture of what my life was like. Occasionally, maybe once every three to six months I would travel 10 hours by car to get to the capital city of Dakar for whatever business I had there. In this capital city there was a Peace Corps house and office. Other volunteers would gather there. There were also two volunteers who lived in Dakar. One evening I was there and one of the volunteers living in the city had a party. So any Peace Corps volunteers who were in the area went.
Pretty much every American Peace Corps volunteer at this party led a life similar to mine—with a hut or a simple four-walled concrete structure to live in—barely speaking English—on their own with their Senegaleze families for months and months at a time—living within a culture that did not resemble their own. As I said, we didn’t even eat with silverware! When we went to the city though—Dakar—we wore fresh clothes—and there was ice cream, and cheese, and cold drinks—all of which were real treats for us.
This was years before I would discover that I was empathic. I already was empathic of course—I just didn’t know it.
When this particular party occurred I was in what I could refer to as the sweet spot of my Peace Corps experience. It was my second year of service. I was totally at home within the culture I lived. I had, long time since completely acclimated to the weather. I remember one time during the dry season putting on jeans and thinking, “Wow! It’s not that hot today!” Then looking at my backpack keychain thermometer— and seeing that it was 110 degrees in the sun. I was also probably within 6 months of my leaving Senegal—so there is a way in which you also start looking to home during that time AND having even more appreciation for the special slice of life that you now live.
Even though just the day before I had been in my home in the Cassamance region of Senegal and had been feeling great—when I walked into the party I suddenly felt sooo awkward. Worse yet, I felt boring—and uninteresting—like everyone around me was more glamorous than me (which makes me laugh a little bit—because truly none of us were glamourous!). But compared to our dusty village lives, some Western style clothes—clean– beers on a beautiful city balcony felt sophisticated. I was SO UNCOMFORTABLE. Looking around me and seeing everyone else—speaking English—doing all of these things that now seemed really foreign and seemingly effortlessly —I felt SO out of place. I felt like I was such a dullard and could have nothing to offer these people in conversation. I didn’t know what to say. Small talk in English was so far out of the world I had been living in that it felt distant to me—strange and unattainable. And yet, there I was. I didn’t want to turn around and leave. I wanted to fit in. I wanted to drink cocktails in clean clothes and sit on an actual couch!
After sitting on the couch for a bit trying to look and/or feel sophisticated I finally went to the bathroom—which was NOT a hole in the ground, but an actual room with a toilet and toilet paper. I went in there to escape, because I didn’t know what else to do. But while in there—I ended up having a little heart to heart with myself.
“Why am I feeling this way!?” I asked myself. “This is crazy! Just yesterday I felt fine—really happy even—loving my life and who I was in it. I felt like an interesting person—one with worthwhile thoughts.” I finally came to the conclusion that—even though I didn’t know WHY this was happening, it didn’t add up. Yesterday—not even 24 hours earlier I was an interesting person with lots of interests enjoying a vibrant life in Senegal—today I’m a shmuck without a word to say? It can’t be. So I stood there in that tiny bathroom thinking about a moment the day before when I had felt great. Then I asked myself, “Well what did you like about yourself yesterday?” And I started to list the ideas in my head—the things that I thought were interesting about me, the things that I liked to do, or was good at, or enjoyed. I firmly reminded myself that all of these things were still true—and that I should go out there and be the interesting person I was—and that furthermore, each person here was also interesting—with complex thoughts and interests and experiences and that I would probably enjoy hearing about if I could stop thinking about how uncool I was!
It changed the party for me. I can’t say it was the best party of my life. As you can tell it was definitely memorable! But I can say—I enjoyed myself in it afterward.
I’m telling you this story because it was years before I understood that I was empathic and that what being empathic is is that you are picking up on the feelings of everyone else around you too. That experience was excruciating for me because I was standing in a room full of Peace Corps Volunteers who for the most part were also wildly out of the element of huts and wells and holes to poop in that had become their life. I wouldn’t hesitate to guess that 90-95% of those 20 somethings in that room were also feeling some form of awkward inside, but looking sheek (sheek for us anyway!). I wasn’t just wallowing in my own awkwardness, that for sure existed, but through my body was coursing the awkward, out of place feelings of EVERYONE there.
Last week, I think my guest Tami Brockway Joyce touched on this a little bit—the way that once you realize you are empathic—when you look back over the story of your life, over many experiences is shed a whole new light.
In any case, I made it through! And my bathroom talk-to-self that arose out of a moment of desperation is still one I use and recommend to others when you are feeling awkward or uninteresting or like everyone else around you must be cooler than you. Make a list in your head of all of the things YOU like about you. Even if no one else around you knows those things nor ever will—they are still true! Then you get to act from that place of knowing what YOU value about yourself.
This week, with Thanksgiving just two days away, and us entering fully into the holiday season—one in which I might add, due to the last two pandemic years, is likely to be a bit like going from living alone in a hut with a hole in your backyard to being at a party with sparkly clothes, people, and a bathroom with a mirror and sink and toilet in it! Just kidding! I mean, yes, that’s true. But I should stop going on about the toilet! My husband wouldn’t even recognize me!
In any case! The holidays. Here we come.
Because of our innate and always-on ability to tune into and play back through our skin the feelings in the room/air/surrounds—it can be a tricky and intense time of year for empaths.
Last year, I had an empathic student who had just completed all of my programs tell me she had just discovered that now that she uses all the tools I teach she realized that she DID NOT actually hate Christmas! Her whole life she thought she did! With the tools to control her empathic ability and NOT constantly pick up ALL the emotional stations around her—she realized that for the last 30 plus years she had simply been awash in the feelings and stresses of those around her.
With inflation, continuous political struggles, and social cultural shock afoot—this might feel like a sticky holiday season for many!
So, let’s talk about what you need to know empaths.
First let me say, if you your listening on the radio and you just tuned into Voice of Vashon radio station, this is Aimée Cartier and you are listening to the Own Your Intuition show. Today we are talking about holiday support for empaths!
When I teach I my longer empath programs I teach a class I call “Two important rules and what to do about them.” These two rules, as I call them, are ones in which I wish every empath knew—because knowing them and what to do about them can absolutely change your life for the better.
What are the rules you ask?
Number one:
You can never process someone else’s stuff for them. Ever.
That means no matter how deeply you feel it in your own skin YOU are not the place from where needs to reside the action. In that story I told you above, I absolutely could not shift the awkward feelings of every person in that room. It just wasn’t possible because their emotions didn’t stem from me—they were only moving through me. They didn’t originate in my body. Therefore, there was no action point for me. I could however, do something about my own feelings! And that I did.
Maybe another way to look at it is– that evening at that party all those years ago, no matter how much attention someone else had paid to me, or what conversations would have unfolded—I would have still been having this internal, “My god you are so uncool,” discomfort and dialogue within myself—until I shifted it. Only I could shift that.
When it comes to other people’s feelings moving through your body, even if they are coursing through you, you are just a witness. You can never process another person’s emotions for them—because they don’t originate in you.
A few summers ago I was teaching some new friends how to knit. One of them was an eleven-year-old girl. She was having a hard time so I was going slowly over a few of the steps for her. As I was doing so, sitting next to her, I suddenly felt overwhelmed—in my own skin—I had all these feelings of, “I’m not sure I like knitting. This is hard. Ugh, I just don’t get this.” That’s when I had to do a double take and check-in with myself. Do I like knitting? Yes! Is teaching this overwhelming to me? No! I was picking up her emotions and as frequently happens for an empath, they started broadcasting on my station!
So I did my core empath tools—the one I teach in my on-demand, Core Empath Tools program which by the way—is available now—and I’ll put the link in the show notes. Then I amplified my own energy. I cleared my energy, set an energetic boundary so that I had space to feel ME, just me. Not me and her at the same time as I had been feeling. Then, knowing that she was having a hard time with this, I purposely chose to sink deeply into my own true feelings. I connected with my own confidence in knitting and my love of it. I allowed myself to feel how much I loved knitting and being in this moment with her. I thought and felt about how confident I felt that she could get it. I didn’t say a thing to her about any of this. I just concentrated on and felt these true feelings of mine in my own body.
And you know what? Two things happened: One, she did get it! And two, her mom came up and thanked me afterward. She told me about a particular challenge that her daughter faces and said, “Thank you so much for not trying to make her feel better because this usually shuts her down and for just being patient and loving with her instead of trying to get into how she was feeling or taking it personally and trying to fix it.”
I didn’t try to change this little girl’s feelings. I didn’t purposely manipulate them or even in this case comment on it or offer suggestions or encouragement. I just engaged my own feelings of my love and my confidence in myself and in her. Period.
You cannot process someone else’s stuff for them, that’s rule number one. I couldn’t have shifted her feelings if I had tried. When appropriate, like in this example, you can act as a buoy, and you do so by focusing on your own feelings which can prepare a life raft of emotion SHOULD IT BE USEFUL for another to vibe off of it. Whether they do or not, is not your business. It is their choice.
This brings us naturally to rule number two:
Just because you can feel EVERYTHING does not mean that you are meant to have a hand in transforming it.
Sometimes you do. Other times you don’t. This is so vital for empaths to understand—because we feel everything. I’ve noticed over the years that I have been teaching empaths that it is most common for an empathic being to equate being aware of a problem, challenge, or negative feeling with thinking they need to fix it– especially for those we love. We want to help. So we end up being the peacemakers, the volunteers (for everything), the champions of underdogs, the say “Yesers”, or the “over-givers” as I like to call empaths. Do any of those sound familiar?
Remember when I said a couple of episodes ago that my step-mom told me she referred to me as “the Get-Along Gal.” Hearing her say that was so revealing. I knew exactly what she was talking about. For years and years while I was growing up that was the role I played within my family. I wanted everyone to get along, yes– but here is the empathic secret– I also really wanted any tension to ease because I can feel it in my own skin. It is infrequently noted but I think worth understanding that our empathic tendency to over-help is not always so selfless as it seems.
Of course we do want to help—our understanding of the suffering of others gives us the propensity to want to ease it. AND, it’s also very real that we want and need to make ourselves feel better. Growing up I had no other ideas or skills for stopping whatever tension was in the air from being under my skin—other than to try to solve the problem myself. Back then, I also didn’t have the level of comfort with emotions and the skills to know how to experience them healthily, which I do now as an adult. So, I just tried to solve all the things. Make everyone happy. Do the thing that would soothe the scene. As an empathic being chances are very high you’ve done this too.
So let’s get back to this fact– commonly empaths fall into the habit of over committing and exceeding our natural (and rightful) boundaries for the sake of helping others solve their problems. As a result empaths frequently end up feeling over committed and burned out because we think that every problem we feel is ours to solve. The other extreme I’ve seen is empaths who feel like they have to hide away to avoid doing this—or in order to recuperate from having over-helped everyone else. I’m here to tell you right now that you don’t have to fall into either one of these extremes. You can also get out of them if you are in them. I’ve had so many students do so by using the tools I teach. Ones incidentally that are available on demand in my Empath Core Tools program, as previously mentioned. I want you to know it is absolutely possible to live in the world as an empathic being without having to A. get burned out by trying to solve all the things or feel guilty for not doing so or B. having to hide away.
It is important for you to know that it is physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually impossible for you to solve all of the challenges that you come across and that thinking you need to do so or trying to will harm you (and possibly others). Simply put, you cannot solve all the things—none of us can. And acting as though you can seriously undermines the quality of your life and in some cases your health. I also want to acknowledge here that there are many of us empathic beings who feel we are born to serve others—I am one such person. There are good fights to champion and people, animals or places that do need and deserve our help in the world—your loved ones and those in the world at large. However, that still doesn’t mean you are meant to spearhead every campaign or even have a hand in each one that pricks your insides. So let me repeat this important second rule: Just because you can feel everything does NOT necessarily mean you have a hand in helping to transform it.
Equally important to note is that not shifting or solving a situation or feeling for someone else does not mean not caring. In fact, it can mean the opposite. I think of it more like a “Honey! You got this! You don’t need me to solve this for you!” cheer. If you remember it’s something that Tami mentioned last week that was useful for her. When you give someone else the freedom to experience and process their own emotions/challenges, you are effectively saying, “You got this! I believe in you! You can!” This is powerful medicine.
It's so powerful.
Let me tell you another story.
Once I was driving in the car with my two young children back from the Olympia area which is about a 45 minute drive to the ferry I needed to catch to come home. There was an accident on the road ahead of me somewhere—so what could have been a quick-ish trip was a nightmare length—and it became excruciating about 20 minutes in because my daughter began crying to be nursed. I was the only adult in the car. My kids were obviously very small. We live on a smallish island so their typical ride in the car is about 10 minutes at its longest. Now here we were having a crazily long vehicle/car seat experience.
After a while I started to loose it. My body and my being were so stressed out by my daughter’s crying and as the minutes ticked by my son was now upset too. I felt trapped because I couldn’t just pull over, get her out of the car and nurse her. We were totally grid locked, there was nowhere to pull over—but we were also moving occasionally enough that I couldn’t actually put the car in park and get her out of the seat. As it was, I couldn’t barely reach her to touch her. She was tiny so there was no reasoning with her. I tried everything—singing to them, deep breaths, everything— and somewhere in this hour and half experience I just lost it.
I thought—“I need help! This is craaaazy! The kids won’t stop crying. I’m trapped and being wound up more by their being upset.”
So I reached for my phone and dialed my girlfriend Renée. Her kids are a few years older than mine, and she has two, so she knows how complicated that can sometimes be.
She answered.
I said, “Help! I’m stuck in hell!” At probably a fevered pitch I explained the situation to her over the crying of my children in the backseat.
Her response? With gusto she exclaimed into the phone: “Effing kids!!!!”
It was JUST the response I needed. It broke my emotional turmoil and I started to laugh—at the absurdity of it—at the helplessness of it all—at the moment. I was unstuck from my personal hell and was able to see the bigger picture.
Important in this moment is that she did not say, “Oh you poor thing!!!” She definitely followed her statement up with, “That so sucks, I’m sorry.” But she didn’t even try to save me. She just made a joke and acknowledged how sucko the whole thing was—and that alone was enough to diffuse me and get me back to center.
Now I know in this situation there was nothing she actually could have done. She was miles away in Port Townsend, WA—and I was stuck on the highway somewhere just outside of Olympia. But what is more important about the story is her attitude. Nothing about the conversation suggested, “You can’t handle this, Aimée.” In fact it was just the opposite.
Instead of going DOWN the rabbit hole with me or implying that I couldn’t do it by offering to save me—she exuded a completely different emotion—which floated me a life vest— should I choose to take it. I did!
She did not try to solve or trouble shoot the problem for me. She rightly believed in my capacity—and likely assumed I had tried ALL the things. She did not attempt to save me in anyway.
When you offer to save someone, you are saying to them energetically, “YOU poor thing!! You can’t handle this. You are weak. You have no power. Here, let ME do it for you. I’ll take over.”
I’m not saying there aren’t times when it IS your place to help—but I am suggesting that offering help when it is not your place can be more damaging than you might think.
I remember the story of one of my students. Her sister experiences bouts of depression. After learning these tools and learning to check in with herself each time, to see if it WAS her place to help in this situation, one day her sister called her in a state of upheaval.
Instead of just offering to help or making suggestions or taking whatever pain she could away from her sister as she usually did—when she checked in with herself she found that in this case, it wasn’t her place to help. So instead of trying to solve, she just listened. She acknowledged the hard place her sister was in but she didn’t make suggestions. The next time her sister called her, her sister was like, “Oh I found this great xyz.” I don’t remember what it was anymore—whether it was acupuncture or a tool or a great session with her therapist. HER SISTER had solved her own issue—and she was empowered by it.
This is Aimée Cartier and you are listening to the Own Your Intuition Show. Today we are talking about tools and rules for empaths to remember during the holidays. Heck, let’s be honest—these AREN’T just rules for the holidays—they are rules for life.
So, I know, I acknowledge it can be difficult to sit through the pain of someone you love, so I’d like you to remember here that —sometimes the balm is in being heard. Like my story with Renée. It helped me to say to another human being who I knew would understand– “oh my god this is SOOOO CRRRRAAAAZZZY HARD!!!”
And if you want tools that will allow you NOT to constantly run everyone else’s emotions through your own skin—than it’s time to check out my on-demand Empath Core Tools program.
Remember the two rules:
One: You can never process someone else’s stuff for them. Ever.
Two: Just because you can feel EVERYTHING does not mean that you are meant to have a hand in transforming it.
So, put those in your pocket as you navigate this holiday season— AND BEYOND.
Become discerning about when you help. Don’t assume that because there is a need or a challenge being experienced that it is YOUR JOB to solve it – stat.
And just for the record—even if you discover it is NOT your place to help—prayers and well-wishes are always welcome. Say a prayer—light a candle for that person you love. Ask their guides (episode 11 by the way) to send them as speedily as possible whatever goodness and healing is in your beloved’s highest good.
So empathic friend, if you are tired of being exhausted by the weight of the world that you feel around you. If you are ready to learn the tools that will help you master your empathic ability instead of it managing you—then I’ve got a program for you! It’s available for the FIRST TIME this month. It’s an on-demand program, called Empath Core Tools. You can do it at your convenience—in your pjs if you like—which seems just perfect for winter. If you have a hard time staying centered in a world awash with the heavy, or you are tired of feeling exhausted because you can’t fix it all but you feel it all. Or maybe you just want to be able to access your OWN thoughts and feelings—even when others around you are going through something else. Or you want unfettered access to your own thoughts and feelings, instead of having to search through everyone else’s to find them– so that you can find the way forward that is the most meaningful and authentic to you. Then THIS PROGRAM IS FOR YOU.
It comes with:
· 29 videos
· 32 pages worth of teaching documents detailing everything covered in the videos and more
· 2 audios guiding you through using these tools (one for beginners and one for when you get more adept at the tools)
· Homework and suggestions that will help you deeper lock in your understanding of these tools.
· A 17 page Workbook that will help you review/lock in your new knowledge and get the most of your class.
· Workbook Answer Key
· “44 Signs Your Are An Empath” PDF download
· Downloadable images to help you remember/use your tools
· Bonus audio “How To Tell If What You Feel Belongs To You”
I hope you have a warm and satisfying holiday season—inside and out. Next week we’ll be exploring ideas for diving into your own mystical knowing and making the most of this dark and luscious season.
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This is Aimée Cartier and you have been listening to the Own Your Intuition show.
I’m so glad you were here. I hope you have some gems to consider from what you heard today. If you know someone who is empathic, I ask you to consider sending this episode (and the previous two) their way!)
If you are ready for the tools that help you avoid feeling debilitated by your empathic nature—and feel empowered instead—I invite you to check out AimeeCartier.com/ect (that stands for Empath Core Tools). www.AimeeCartier.com/ect.
I’ve also got some free downloads for you on my website, including my “44 Signs You Are An Empath” and a new audio and pdf called, “Empath, How to tell if what you feel belongs to you.”
Just go to aimeecartier.com/iamanempath for all the details! I’ll put the link in the show notes too.
See ya soon!